Words can not express my pain. Words can not express my sadness. Words can not describe the nightmare we are living right now...
This is a picture of my happy little family on Father's Day. We had already announced that we were expecting another baby, but when you are so excited about something, you want to shout it to the world...
I had meant to send this picture out to our friends and family just for fun.
This picture meant one thing to us on Father's Day, now this sweet picture means something totally different.
Then...last Friday, our happy little world came crashing down. I went to my appointment on Friday to check out this new and improved sequential screening. The wonderful sono ladies at the Women's Clinic are the only ones licensed to perform this test and I am so very thankful for them. I was so excited to see my baby again. This would now be the third time that I have seen my baby.
The sweet sono lady started the sonogram. I couldn't wait to see my baby again! Right off the bat, my baby was lying down flat on it's back, looking like complete perfection. That's all I saw was complete perfection. The baby rolled it's head over as if it were looking at us and out of nowhere raised it's little arm up and waved at us. I looked over at the sono lady and asked, "Wow! Did my baby just wave at me?" She said, "I think so." Then, right after that, my baby put both of it's hands up as if it were praying. I, once again, turned to the sono lady and said, "Wow! My baby already knows how to pray!" I was on cloud 9! My sweet little baby looked at us, waved, and then prayed! Looking back now, I see that those two things had a completely different meaning than I initially thought.
Then, my whole world came crashing down....
The sono lady looked at me and said, "I need to explain to you what is going on with your baby." I said, ok? She went on to tell me that my baby had something called Hydrops Fetalis. She went on to further explain the details to me and to be honest with you, after a couple of minutes, the room started spinning and I felt like I was about to lose control. I sat up and started coughing and she asked me if I was going to get sick. I immediately thought that I needed to get it together. At this point, Jeremy was in the corner in the fetal position getting really upset. I was then directed to go to bathroom and get undressed from the waist down so we could do a different type of sonogram to look a little further. I began to mentally and physically break down in the bathroom. At this point, I had called my Mom and she was on the way to the Women's Clinic. They had notified someone to wait at the front door for my Mom and to have her ushered to where we were immediately. When I came out of the bathroom, after I had heard all of the details, I said to her "This is a nightmare, isn't it?" Hoping that she was going to say, "No, this can be fixed" and she just looked at me with the saddest eyes and gave me a hug. I was uncontrollably crying now. Doctor Horth came in and confirmed everything that was initially said to me. The only thing I could get out of my mouth was, "Is there any way that this can turn out ok?" and Dr. Horth looked at me and said, "It would be a blessing if you were to lose this baby". We were then directed to Fort Worth to a High Risk doctor so that we could do more extensive testing.
I am very thankful for the love that everyone showed us at the Women's Clinic that day. It was almost overwhelming how much love they were pouring out to us...
To say that this weekend was a complete nightmare is the understatement of the year. Words cannot possibly describe the next 72 hours that I spent thinking about the situation, crying, anger, and anxiety about the appointment on Monday at 12:45. I spoke with my aunt that is a doctor, explained to her what my baby had been diagnosed with and her reply was "Oh my, they are right though, unfortunately".
Today, Monday finally came. My Mom and Jenny drove Jeremy and I down to Fort Worth to Harris Hospital to our appointment. On the way to the appointment, I started having a panic attack for what was about to happen. We all piled in to the sonogram room and there was my sweet baby once again. It was almost painful to look because I didn't want to feel like I was bonding with my baby if I only had a short time left but, on the other hand, this would be the last few times I would ever see my baby again in this lifetime.
My baby was so perfect in my eyes up there on that screen even knowing all that I know now. My baby was moving it's little arms and legs around like it was playing. Looking like a perfect little angel.
The sweet doctor went on to tell me that unfortunately the Women's Clinic had diagnosed my baby correctly. He then went on to tell us that just this day there were three other girls in this same room, all from Wichita Falls, with babies diagnosed with the same exact thing. He showed us on the screen that our baby had fluid all over the brain which extended out well beyond the neck all the way down past the shoulders. Our baby has fluid all around the lungs and the heart. He said surprisingly, our baby was extremely swollen. He went on to tell us that there are an indescribable amount of things wrong with our baby. He then went on to explain that our baby is in a "lethal" situation. With this type of situation, the baby has zero chance of survival. I asked him what that meant and he said that my baby only has a short time more to live. He said that we have a couple of options. I was fighting back a breakdown because I knew what he was about to say...
1) Carry out the pregnancy and get checked weekly until eventually they tell me that there is no heartbeat. He assured me that the longest a woman in this situation has ever gone is 24 weeks (6 months). He explained to us that if I happen to go over 20 weeks, I will have to deliver normally, sign the death certificate, and so on. We have also learned that every day that goes by until the end of this pregnancy, my life is in danger and the longer this goes on, my body could potentially start "mirroring" some of the symptoms that the baby has. I'm not sure about the details of that, though...
2) Terminate the pregnancy right now. I was grateful that he didn't push this option. He went on to say that it is inevitable that our baby will not make it, so he didn't push this option. Even though my baby is only 13 weeks but will potentially be 24 weeks at the time of death, that is still my baby! I can't fathom giving someone the go ahead to get rid of my baby, even though we know that it is inevitable we are going to lose the baby, just because our baby isn't "perfect". Our baby is still pretty perfect in our eyes...
Some have spoken with me about not blaming God. I look at everyone like they are crazy because that thought has never entered my mind and nor will it ever enter my mind. Why would I ever start blaming someone that has blessed me beyond belief? I looked at the doctor and I said, "I just can't understand if our little girl is complete perfection the first go round, what happened this time?" He said that nothing about either of our genetics has anything to do with what happened. There is nothing that we could have done differently to avoid this. He compared this to walking outside of the hospital and getting struck by lightning. So, the question remains? How could anyone blame a God that has done nothing but bless me and Jeremy beyond belief?
At first I couldn't even fathom losing this baby but I think that I am coming around. Our baby will soon be beyond perfection sitting next to complete perfection and up there with my Pa, Jeremy's brother Tres, and 3 of his grandparents. If I stop being selfish for a minute and look at the big picture, it doesn't get any better than that for my baby. I have to keep thinking that...
Now, looking back on Friday during the sonogram when my baby waved at me and started to pray, things are a whole lot more clearer. My baby was waving goodbye to us and letting me know the best way possible that it was on it's way to Heaven. I'm thankful that God gave me that.
"Naked I came from my mother's womb and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." I have to keep my mind on this verse...
So...LONG story short, I don't have any more tears left, all of the life has been sucked out of us, and we still have a long road ahead of us and a lot of unknowns left with this pregnancy. My request to everyone is, please pray for us. Please pray (as hard as it is to even write this) that because (apparently) my life is in danger, the longer I continue to carry my baby, having been confirmed by 3 doctors that this baby has no chance of survival, that my baby will go ahead and go to Heaven. Please pray that we will become numb to how much of a nightmare this is. Please pray for what is ahead of us. Please pray that we will have the courage to tell Savannah and she will accept what we have to say. Please pray that we can get it together and go back to our normal life for Savannah.
Please pray for us...
